Why I’m Leaving the Mormon Church

In no way do I desire to make trouble for or sully the reputation of my family. On the contrary, I hope this will help them comprehend my perspective.

I also hope that posting this on my film review blog does not bother anyone who actually came here for talk about old movies. It was too much to edit on Facebook.

I’m probably one of the few people who you will meet that can claim that I left the church because I know that the Book of Mormon is true. Anyone who has been exposed to that book knows that near the end (Moroni 10) it states that by the power of the Holy Ghost you may know the truth of all things. I don’t know everything. I don’t often seek to persuade anyone of any truth I may know. But I hope desperately that I may personally encounter some few who can relate with me regarding this spiritual journey.

There are a lot of unusual doctrines taught in the church. If you were raised being told “that’s the way it is and it’s the truth, by God” then you may or may not ever wonder where they come from. The answer you will get from members is that a Prophet revealed them as God’s word.

“Question with boldness even the existence of a God…”

Thomas Jefferson

When I was still a teenager, I read a letter written by Thomas Jefferson to his nephew, Peter Carr, in which he advised,

“Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call to her tribunal every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blindfolded fear.”

I took this to heart at that time and have continually reminded myself when seeking truth to question everything. There are some who abhor this quote because, to them, even the idea of having doctrinal doubts is akin to committing sin. If you still feel that way you should probably just stop reading this and go find platitudes somewhere else (perhaps in a conference talk).

Possibly my most driving passion is that I want to know the truth. I can’t even explain why anymore except to say that it is among the deepest yearnings of my soul. This was not always the case— and for good reason. As a child, my desire to know the truth was strong enough without it overpowering my desire for human interaction, or getting me in trouble at school, among other things. There have been and still are things that I have been taught all my life to be true that are not. Things ranging in significance from something as silly as the daddy-long-legs being a ‘spider that can’t bite’ actually being an insect; to as life-altering as learning that a past Prophet of God, who, touted as honest and incapable of leading people astray, not only, in reality, was a teacher of many doctrines abhorrent even to a modern audience, but conspired to kill his predecessor and any who stood in his way, took over the leadership and teachings of the church, and falsified historical documents to hide this coup.

“Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.”

Mark Twain

I’ve heard it said that truth is often much stranger than fiction. We live in a reality where nothing is impossible, but many things, no matter how true, are considered by some to be unbelievable.

Again, a past Prophet of God, who is now touted as having been honest and incapable of leading people astray, not only, in reality, taught many abhorrent doctrines, conspired to kill his predecessor and any who stood in his way, took over the leadership and teachings of the church, and falsified historical documents to hide this coup. The even more astounding thing about learning who really killed Joseph is that the same church which underwent this upheaval not only still operates and even spreads across the world, but that it refuses to acknowledge even the possibility that this previous ‘Prophet’ might not have been inspired by God in even a few points. They just ignore his more distasteful teachings if they can. Not only do they resist acknowledging the truth, but they persist in parroting many of his perspectives to this day.

There is an honest root in this church, but it has been trodden under foot and defiled for over 150 years. And yet we wonder at our condemnation?

“18 Seemeth it a small thing unto you to have eaten up the good pasture, but ye must tread down with your feet the residue of your pastures? and to have drunk of the deep waters, but ye must foul the residue with your feet?

19 And as for my flock, they eat that which ye have trodden with your feet; and they drink that which ye have fouled with your feet.”

Ezekiel 34

This is an apt description of my feeling toward the current doctrines of the church. Even before learning that we were being prevented from finding the real truth, I felt like I was starving for doctrinal answers and truths. I sought as much knowledge as I could within the confines of church material. I studied seminary and institute manuals and online resources. I attended more than the standard four institute classes; several of which were still trial-based curriculums, such as one on ‘signs of the times’, as well as classes on the book Saints: A Standard Of Truth. I even sifted through some of the Joseph Smith Papers from time to time (which often conflict with many of the non-quotational assertions included in the Saints book). I would not include these details except to illustrate that I am not ‘remiss in my study’ and to reiterate that I do not need to be directed once more to the ‘Gospel Topics’ page, or ‘Revelations in Context’ page or sent more Conference talks. I have read the material. I looked everywhere that the church said to in order to find truth, and the more I read and watched, the hungrier for truth I felt. Not because my answers were creating more questions, but because I was not finding true answers. There is a big difference, by the way, in a carefully considered explanation and an actual factual answer. The former, I have found, is almost always more theory than fact.

Where are the miracles in this day that can compare with those of Joseph’s day? Or of those in Christ and his Apostles’ day? Where are the promised books of continued revelation, of new scripture, of prophecy? Above all, why does everyone assume that there are ‘deep doctrines’ being shared somewhere in the church but no one actually has anything more than the vague insinuation of a seemingly forgotten teaching? I have found more than satisfactory answers to these questions and many more by studying anything and everything that the Holy Ghost sees fit to draw into my frame of reference, no matter the source. It is usually not a within church-approved source where I discover the greatest truths, revelations and dearest pearls.

I believe many are playing a game of the Emperor’s New Clothes here: —‘Oh yes! The Prophet knows all about all those mysterious teachings and, if we’re good and faithful, perhaps he will finally be able to reveal them. For the Prophet is the only one that can tell us, but only when the world is ready to hear it. God can’t just reveal to us things that the world isn’t ready to hear. But the fullness of the gospel is on the Earth, so long as we have a living Prophet here with us.’—

What a sad teaching! God loves us, but not enough to tell us the truth? I don’t accept that. Members are being gaslighted by a church that refuses to give them a return on investment: not in money, nor work, and most importantly not in FAITH. This organization can never repay the debt they owe to millions of their faithful members. I would love to find a church that could, however, I choose to remain unattached to any established creed until such a day. My beliefs have changed greatly in the past couple of years and I am confident that they will continue to do so as I learn more truth. That is what gaining knowledge and wisdom does. It incites a change of heart.

That scripture still rings in my mind: “by the power of the Holy Ghost, you may know the truth of all things.” I prayed and prayed, pleading for help; pleading for a pure heart and real intent—and if that isn’t real intent then what is? I had been starving for doctrinal truths. And while I looked for answers the way the church told me to, I was fed a constant diet of unsought for breadcrumbs (scriptural trivia and interpretation), grains of sand (consolatory myths), and fodder (exhortations to be patient in seeking the Lord). But no new truths. I looked hard and long, my heart slowly wearying and closing itself off from all the years of unanswered faith and unfulfilled hope.

This journey has been happening my entire life, and has finally accelerated over the last three years. Life-altering decisions like this do not come easily or quickly, and certainly not without painstaking consideration for the other people that they will affect. That said, I would have to have very little esteem and consideration for myself in order for the expectations of others and fear of man to quench this spiritual fire inside me. I cannot allow myself to fear man more than God, therefore, I cannot allow my name to remain listed among the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

As far as answers from the church, I am convinced I was given ‘that which was trodden and fouled’. The limited doctrine approved by the church cannot be a reflection of the doctrine of that God who ‘giveth wisdom to all men liberally, without upbraiding.’

Outside of the church I have found an environment that is much more conducive to learning and even to increasing my faith despite its many faults. I have also found examples of many people like me who have grown increasingly less satisfied with what the church provides and how they are providing it. If it were simply a matter of a society or group that makes it easier to have a community experience, I would still belong. If it were a matter of a mere social expectation with no implication of principle or moral infringement, I would still belong. Even if it were a religion that truly allowed a freedom of beliefs within its membership, without judgement or guile, I might be inclined to remain. But any organization that conspires to hide the truth or alter historical records for their own profit, can go languor in the land of liars without me, thank you very much. I take my place among the outcasts.

“8 The Lord God, which gathereth the outcasts of Israel saith, Yet will I gather others to him, beside those that are gathered unto him.

9 All ye beasts of the field, come to devour, yea, all ye beasts in the forest.

10 His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, they cannot bark; sleeping, lying down, loving to slumber.

11 Yea, they are greedy dogs which can never have enough, and they are shepherds that cannot understand: they all look to their own way, every one for his gain, from his quarter.”

Isaiah 56

What kind of watchman is blind? The blind watchman is a perfect metaphor for a Seer who cannot see. He is a prophet without prophecy. Such a person cannot warn his flocks of the things that God would give foreknowledge of, such as thieves in the night. If you think all is well in ‘Zion’, as the church is sometimes called, then I wish you a blissful ignorance, but, in my experience, ignorance is anything but bliss.

“As the thief is ashamed when he is found, so is the house of Israel ashamed; they, their kings, their princes, and their priests, and their prophets.”

Jeremiah 2:26

What would you do if you discovered that a man who you had been raised to believe was a great prophet turned out to be the worst of thieves? If you had not even a shadow of a doubt in that knowledge, how would you respond?

The day of the Lord, we are taught, will come as a thief in the night. What if one thief has already come? What if two Prophets are already lying dead at the head of all the streets with the whore of all the Earth looming over them in laughter?

Do you truly believe that a church which was almost entirely destroyed in its mere infancy— its leaders ostracized and killed, its pieces of doctrine and history ripped to shreds and burned, droves of its most faithful members fled— that such a church would be able (under the surreptitious leadership of its very destroyers no less) survive intact? By that I mean, would such an organization still have the blessing of receiving a fullness truth from God? If so, why the need to remove themselves from the place of their foundation and the recent scene of so monumental a crime? Why leave the jurisdiction and protection of the US government? Perhaps a desire to leave the crime unsolved. Not to mention to the desire to avoid the ‘persecution’ of their immoral and rightly illegal polygamous relationships. Perhaps to prevent its members from seeing their dear Prophet’s widow and finding real sources of truth. Perhaps to make heroes of the murdered pair and twist that hero-worship toward the new ‘prophet’ and leaders. I mourn for those among my ancestors whose only real sin was a belief that their leaders were honest men.

You cannot claim that there is no hero worship had among members of the church towards its highest leaders. It is one of their greatest weaknesses that they look up to their prophet and think how they could never live to be half as good, kind, successful, spiritual… the list goes on. Even real Prophets are mortal, human and fallible. And the current so-called prophet is also a man. Just a person like you or I, though perhaps a bit more groomed for a specific role. He is just as fallible and just as mortal and not only that, possibly a worse liar than we dare imagine. I pity world leaders because they’re either puppets (worse victims than those they rule) or they’re accountable for the decisions they make on behalf of millions. At least one prophet was thus accountable for his lies, in my estimation, and, tragically, many tout the honor of attending a university that goes by his name.

What other diverse reasons does the great abomination find to grin over us in evil? Polygamy is among its favorites. I remind you that the Book of Mormon, which Joseph translated, and which forms the bedrock of our religion does not support polygamy. I am confident that Joseph never did either, despite the church narrative.

Another thing the Book of Mormon warns heavily of are Gadianton’s robbers. Hmm… Conspirators? Thieves? Assassins? Have I not touched on this already? They are and have been among us, not only in government, but here, in the very church warned against them, since its inception. Joseph wasn’t exaggerating when he described betrayals by his friends and the secret plots that spun his destruction his whole adult life.

If you believe the Book of Mormon, then please do Joseph the justice of believing that he did too. Is it so hard to believe that he was an honest person? One who truly loved his wife and she loved him; or do you prefer the church’s insistence that he was the one marrying himself to everyone and their dog, breaking his poor wife’s heart, even though he vehemently denied it and vocally opposed polygamy in public? Despite even being instrumental in the restoration of an ancient book of scripture which teaches against such a doctrine? Of all the things a man could be guilty of doing in private and covering up, the idea that such a person as Joseph, even just as a man trying to start a church, would consider using his authority to live privately in what he outwardly taught to be an abomination is almost unbelievable. The level of absurdity is only matched by the level of gall that his self-proclaimed ‘successor’ had in putting such teachings in his mouth.

Many disabused ex-members might wonder how I can still believe in Joseph’s integrity after all this. I have a special witness of the Book of Mormon that I cannot deny, and while that cannot guarantee Joseph’s honesty, it is a starting place and I have considered a great deal of information regarding that man and his life and know that he was entrusted with such responsibility and such suffering for good reason. Suffering is not an indicator of God’s punishment, but often can be an indicator of His trust. We learn from hard things, therefore, the harder the things we are given, the more we are ready to learn. Learning can be very difficult sometimes, but other times it brings an equal amount of joy.

I hear others ask, ‘how can you defend one prophet while condemning another? What makes you so sure the church teachings are wrong? To this I can only say: study it out for yourself, read the primary sources, view the extant revisions and redactions, listen to an opinion that might fall outside of your comfort zone (congratulations for getting here if this qualifies). Most importantly: ponder your question, put your concerns to words at least, then ask God. Don’t stop asking until you know the truth. Ask from both sides—is it true or is it false? Form no opinion until the knowledge itself distills upon your soul. It can take time, but recognizing truth by the Holy Ghost will get easier as you exercise this ability. So many ask only once whether the entire church is true, perhaps phrasing that question with one about Joseph Smith or the Book of Mormon and when they feel confident in the knowledge that one of these is true they are satisfied that the entirety of church teachings are infallible. Or perhaps they read a chapter in the Book of Mormon that really resonated in their heart— that is, the Holy Ghost testified of the truth of it— and they suddenly ‘knew’ the church was true. I would ask you if you feel that same resonating assurance while learning the ‘doctrine of polygamy’. You may even feel the Holy Ghost testify of the truth that polygamy was practiced for a time in the church, but ask if this was truly God’s will and teaching. Ask specific questions. Learn to separate the answer you seek now from the answers you really do have. Re-consider what you actually know and what you may have assumed was true by some logical fallacy.

Just because the Book of Mormon is true doesn’t mean the church is true.

Just because the Book of Mormon is true doesn’t mean the church is true. In my experience it is actually a great witness against the church as it stands today. Just because Joseph was a true Prophet doesn’t mean the church is still led by a true Prophet. Sometimes the honest truth is the most difficult thing to believe, but that is on purpose. Making the truth unbelievable is the optimal design of those who would keep you from it. Can you think of a better way to lie?

Awaken, friends! Why will we sleep? Why should we languor in confusion any longer? Learn to hear the Holy Ghost. Don’t just assure your neighbor of your knowledge that the church is true, as the people did of their knowledge of the Emperor’s fine New Clothes. They had so little regard for themselves that they were gaslighted into believing that the clothes were simply only visible to those wiser than they. Or they were too afraid of their rulers to say anything. Don’t think you are unworthy simply because the ‘prophets’ sometimes chide the church or because you aren’t as apparently faithful or outgoing or what have you as someone else. Nor should you be afraid of speaking up against those in power. I promise you are not alone if you have such feelings.

I felt deeply unworthy, even worthless, for many years without letting myself consider why or even admitting that I felt it. The older I got, the more obvious it was to everyone but me that I felt very little regard for myself. That is, thankfully, no longer the case for me, and I am finally starting to adjust to living my life without that soul-crushing need to prove my value. I seem to have gone a whole year without having an actual job. This will come back into balance as I find a better motivation for working. I think that awful unworthy feeling is deep-seated, pervasive, and multi-generational among many members of the church though, especially among women. An overwhelming implication that the church leaders seem to emanate is that ‘God loves you, but you’re not good enough and you’ll never be as good as so-and-so.’ I see it in a lot of people. It serves the organization well—driving members’ need for more of what the church apparently wants of them: displays of devotion, as well as an increase of wealth. If they did not want these they would not require them. ‘By their fruits ye shall know them.’

I don’t want to end on such a sour insinuation. There is truth in the church, but it must be tried in every detail in order to sift it from the deceit. Question everything. Please. This must be done in every field of study, but what study is more important than comprehending the nature of our existence? Trying every doctrine for its veracity may seem an overwhelming task, but the reward is so much sweeter than I can describe. The truth is indeed a pearl of greatest price to the person who recognizes it.

The deeper doctrines are free for the learning; they are more miraculous and mind-broadening than I ever imagined and I’ve barely started to scratch the surface. The only ones blocking the strait gate are those we allow to employ themselves there. Fire them and you free the flame of faith in your heart from the freezer of false teachings. May it blaze ever brighter with each beautiful revelation.

I wish you all the best wherever you may stand on these topics and wherever you may be in your spiritual journey.